I was not able to blog as frequently as I used to do before because after relocating to the US I was quite busy with getting my work organized. I also got feed back from my college friends about my blog and how it might impact their personal life. So, I took a decision to write predominantly about things involving me. I feel that without mentioning anything about my friends or how they influenced my life, the whole idea of writing about me becomes illogical. However let me write something.. I have some time now..
During the first semester at college, I bunked a lot of classes and went to library and studied books on Psychology, Cryogenics and super conductivity and at home I read Bagavat Gita and Ashtavakra Gita. I for some reason like cryogenics and super conductivity. One good thing about me is, I do things with full involvement; reading Bagavat Gita and Astavakra Gita opened a new outlook, but then what is the point in reading something if you are not going to implement it in your life? I stopped reading Bagavat Gita when I came across the following verse “sanshayatma vinashyati” It means “indecisiveness will destroy you”. Krishna said this to Arjuna. It is not ‘doubt’ but ‘indecisiveness’. Decisions could be right or wrong. Very often the correctness of the decision will be known after the decision is implemented. However indecisiveness will destroy you.
I started implementing this in my life, I went to such an extent which very few will dream off (More later). This is my first experiment with life, to be instinctive and be decisive in anything that I did. No matter what the consequences are, only thing is I should be willing to accept the responsibility for the consequences. I decided for a change that I am going to drive my life rather than letting my parents control everything that is happening to me. I got an opportunity to join engineering in Indian Navy. I would have chosen this for sure if not for my friends, I did not discuss about this to anyone and I plainly rejected the idea of joining the navy. I liked my college and friends and so I decided to stay back even if it meant that I should live with my parents for four more years.
It was a big decision, back then as I used to be very patriotic (today the whole concept of conventional patriotism sounds stupid. Don’t mistake me, one should be proud of his roots, and respect it and should give back something to the society which nurtured him, but conventional patriotism is something which glorifies wars and international borders and saluting a flag or respecting a national anthem and in my case the national anthem is just bull crap).
Once you overcome the indecisiveness you get a new way of looking at things, fear will no longer be a part of your life. I just started staying back in the college hostels more often and became more like a hosteler. I hardly bothered about my parents, what they said or did hardly mattered from then on. My life was only about being happy, and it did get me in to trouble with a fellow hosteler. It will be one hell of a story if I narrate the entire episode and will take pages of typing and lot of facts that might hurt a few, so I refrain from narrating everything. However it resulted in physical violence and eventually resulted in my suspension from college for two years. I tried everything within my powers to get back in to college, nothing worked. There was no way I could get back to college. It was not just me, out whole gang (Prem, Tolstoy and Suresh) got either dismissed or suspended. Prem and I got suspended form the college for two years and the other two got dismissed. It was a huge blow for all of us, but for some reason, I was not too shaken. I tried my best to do all that was possible, right from pleading the faculties and influential people who could have helped us, nothing seemed to work, so I made up my mind. My strategy was, if I serve my suspension and then continue my studies after two years, then that effectively resulted in 4 more years before going to work. So I bought the applications for doing a B.Sc degree (A 3 year course) in other colleges and then to prepare for Civil Service exams. I was prepared for every eventuality except for how to face my parents. For the first time my father really had a valid reason to beat me and punish me. I was not worried about my career, for I always believed that I had the ability to be successful wherever I go.
Again I followed what Krishna said, in a decisive move I went to my father and told him that I was suspended. It was a shocker, he did not beat me even once. So my parents came down to the college along with the parents of the other three guys, after so many rounds of discussions we were asked to pay an official fine of Rs. 25,000 and an unofficial fine (read as bribe) of Rs. 75,000. I paid the fine (funded by my Grand mother), others too paid the fine. Since Tolstoy and Suresh were dismissed, in addition to the fine they served a suspension of 6 months.
Back to square one, it would have been great had my father beat me and asked me to discontinue the course. Instead of beating me that day, he beat me everyday recollecting how I screwed up. He used to me beat me and kick me in my face while eating. It was hell all over again, getting hit is something that I got used to, but being kicked in the face when you were about to eat a handful of rice is sheer humiliation and that was not just one day and happened every other day. My life was going in a negative spiral, and I realized that staying along with my parents will destroy me eventually. However I was indecisive, I cannot leave the house as I did not have a penny or any source of income. Krishna’s words “sanshayatma vinashyati” motivated me and I left the house with a couple of dresses. That decision might be wrong or right, but had I not made that decision my life would have been an eternal hell.
Couple of days later I had a shocker. My mother came to my college and abused me as much as possible (which no mother would do), and asked for the chain and the ring I was wearing (again which my grand mother gave me). I gave those to her and left the scene without a trace of sadness..
A new DAWN awaits.