Chapter 10: Getting Over Indecisiveness

Sanyasthama Vinasyati - Ajithkumar

I was unable to blog as frequently as I used to do before, I had my hands full after relocating to the US. I also got feed back from my college friends about my blog and how it might impact their personal life. So, I took a decision to write predominantly about things involving me. I feel that without mentioning anything about my friends or how they influenced my life, the whole idea of writing about me becomes illogical. However let me write something.. I have some time now..

During the first semester at college, I bunked a lot of classes and went to the library and studied books on Psychology, Cryogenics  and super conductivity and at home I read Bagavat Gita and Ashtavakra Gita. I liked psychology, because I wanted to understand how my mind worked. I, for some reason, like cryogenics and super conductivity. One good thing about me is, whatever I do, I do it with full involvement; reading Bagavat Gita and Astavakra Gita opened a new outlook, but then what is the point in reading something if you are not going to implement it in your life? I stopped reading Bagavat Gita when I came across the following verse “sanshayatma vinashyati” It means “indecisiveness will destroy you”. Krishna said this to Arjuna. Some translations translate the term as  ‘doubt will destroy you’ but the right translation is ‘indecisiveness will destroy you’. Decisions could be right or wrong. Very often the correctness of the decision will be known after the decision is implemented. However indecisiveness will destroy you.

Sanyasthama Vinasyati - Ajithkumar
“sanshayatma vinashyati”

I started implementing this in my life, I went to such an extent which very few would dream off (More later). That was my first experimentation with life, to be instinctive and be decisive in anything that I did. I was not worried about the consequences, however I was willing to accept the responsibility for the consequences. I decided that it was time for me to take the driver seat rather than let my parents control my fate. I got an opportunity to join engineering in Indian Navy after attending 35 days of my college. I would have chosen the navy had it not been for my friends, I did not discuss about the offer to anyone and I plainly rejected the idea of joining the navy. I liked my college and friends and so I decided to stay back even if it meant that I had to live with my parents for four more years.

It was a big decision, back then as I used to be very patriotic, today the whole concept of conventional patriotism sounds stupid. Don’t mistake me, one should be proud of his roots, thankful to the founding fathers of his country and have respect to the nation. One should give back something to the society which nurtured him, but conventional patriotism is against humanity and involves conspiring against another nation all the time while glorifying wars, international borders and a national flag.

Once you overcome the indecisiveness you get a new way of looking at things, fear will no longer be a part of your life. I started staying back in the college hostels more often and became more like a hosteler. I hardly bothered about my parents, what they said or did hardly mattered from then on.  My life was only about being happy, and it did get me in to trouble with a fellow hosteler. It will be one hell of a story if I narrate the entire episode and will take pages of typing and lot of facts that might hurt a few, so I refrain from narrating everything. However it resulted in physical violence and eventually resulted in a disciplinary action against me.  It was not just me, our whole gang (Prem, Tolstoy and Suresh) were either suspended or fined. Prem and I were fined while other two were suspended for a semester.  It was a huge blow for all of us, but for some reason, I was not too shaken. I tried my best to do all that was possible, right from pleading the faculties to going to temple for worshiping. I was prepared for every eventuality except facing my parents. For the first time my father really had a valid reason to beat me and punish me. I was not worried about my career, for I always believed that I had the ability to be successful wherever I go.

Again I followed what Krishna said, in a decisive move I went to my father and told him that I was suspended. It was a shocker, he did not beat me even once. So my parents came down and we were asked to pay an official fine of Rs. 25,000 and an unofficial fine (read as bribe) of Rs. 75,000. Prem and I paid the fine (funded by my Grand mother), while Tolstoy and Suresh were suspended for a semester.

Back to square one, it would have been great had my father beat me and asked me to discontinue the course. Instead of beating me that day, he beat me every other day recollecting how I screwed up. He used to me beat me and kick me in my face while eating. It was hell all over again, getting hit is something that I got used to, but being kicked in the face when you were about to eat a handful of rice is sheer humiliation and that was not just one day but a daily routine. My life was going in a negative spiral, and I realized that staying along with my parents will destroy me eventually. However I was indecisive, I cannot leave the house as I did not have a penny or any source of income. Krishna’s words “sanshayatma vinashyati” motivated me and I left the house with just a couple of shirts. That decision might be wrong or right, but had I not made that decision my life would have been an eternal hell.

Couple of days later I had a shocker. My mother came to my college and abused me as much as possible (which no mother would do), and asked for the golden chain and the ring that I was wearing (which my grand mother gave me). I gave those to her and left the scene without a trace of sadness..

A new DAWN awaits.